From London to Self-Discovery: What My First Couple’s Trip in Years Taught Me About Love and Loneliness
Reading time: 5 minutes
Written by: Annmarie Borosic
I’ve recently come back from a week in London, England. It had been the first time I travelled with another person in five years and seven years since travelling with a romantic partner. I learned a lot on this trip. Days after returning to Split, we broke things off.
The only reason I am talking about this is because of the many assumptions that feeling “lonely” travelling alone might bring. This isn’t a dating blog by any means, but so much of who I am is in thanks to my vast experiences, some of which are due to my romantic and platonic relationships, but most importantly, the relationship I have with myself. I swear, by now I thought I would have had all these life lessons, and self-discovery down to a tee only to move along freely in the world without a care. Kidding. Sort of.
I spent many years getting to know who I am at my core—understanding what truly matters to me as a woman and as a human being. I learned to do things that I felt would bring me more joy and feelings of calm at the end of the day. This all came about because I found myself stuck in a nasty relationship where I kept telling myself, I would forever be alone if I left (at the ripe age of 30, no less) and that the horrible circumstances of toxicity were acceptable behaviour. I knew it at that moment, but more so now, those are never, ever circumstances that are acceptable to live with or tolerate from anyone. Ever. Walking away can feel impossible. It is so much easier to say than do, believe me. Even now, knowing what I know, leaving doesn’t get easier. What I do find is that my tolerance level has decreased immensely and I am far quicker to walk away than I was in the last few years. I could be a little faster, to be honest, but here I am, still learning.
As I say frequently, I am comfortable being in my own company. Did this make it difficult to get into a relationship? No. What I found was when our schedules were full, I was ok to continue doing what I would normally do. I didn’t rely on him to fill my days or time. I have things that I already find pleasure in doing daily. I had also already learned to compromise, so making an effort to have our needs met was also important to me. So what happened? For me, something didn’t feel right. I felt myself becoming anxious often. Even in the moments when communication was thriving, there was still that little unsettled feeling.
When we decided to take the trip to London, I was genuinely excited. I really wasn’t planning on going on a vacation this soon after moving, but who am I to turn down an opportunity to travel or a good time? However, going to London with a partner - who - in the end simply wasn’t a good fit, made me feel incredibly lonely, even though we were together constantly. Were there some hiccups in the beginning? Sure. Nothing really out of the ordinary, or from what I’ve learned, abnormal. Persay. However, there were far too many moments where I simply couldn’t shake the feeling of how sad and lonely I felt being there with him.
In the mornings, I was typically awake much earlier. I took that time to go through my usual morning routine and then went for a coffee on my own while he slept. That comfort in having alone time allowed me to do a lot of self-reflection; being in my own company. I felt content.
The number of times I asked myself if perhaps I was imagining my feelings, or letting the anxiety take over unnecessarily due to previous experiences seemed endless. I was questioning myself far more than I feel comfortable admitting. But I know myself. I do. I know the ‘tells’ that start popping up for me. Constant anxiety while dating someone is not normal. Feelings of overwhelming loneliness with a partner are not normal. I just didn’t see a way to move past this. How do you come back from these types of feelings so early on? You don’t. And why should I? I love my life and love how I feel happy, and hopeful on my own. I want those same feelings to be present with my partner. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for; not for myself, or anyone.
What I came to learn after things ended is that I have allowed myself to grow in self-love. To know what truly makes me happy. To know what I need out of a partner and what I can offer them. Some things I didn’t necessarily feel were important to have in a partnership in the past, I’ve now learned are. Having a personal growth mindset, for example. Had I not spent these past several years healing, and exploring new opportunities on my own, travelling solo, I don’t think I would have had the willpower to walk away. I realized that while I had feelings for this person in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time, our needs would never truly be met. The feeling of loneliness while being in that partnership was far more unbearable than being single at 38. If I cannot find peace, and comfort, and feel seen in a partnership, then at least I know within myself that I do have the strength to do it on my own.
