Breaking the Cycle: Embracing Self-Love and Healing My Inner Child
Reading time: 3 minutes
Written by: Annmarie Borosic
Finding Empowerment Through Self-Care: Healing My Inner Child
“Please don’t leave. Who will I have if you go?” That was the first time someone had actively asked me to set aside what I needed so that I could be present for them. I remember feeling agitated by the comment. In fact, up until recently, there hasn’t been a single instance where I have come first in the moments that matter. So, I sit here—nearly guilt-free—for the first time in my life.
Two years ago, I woke-up one morning, and just like that, the only person I needed to focus on was me. What I needed, where I needed to be, and how I would make choices moving forward. I felt like there was nothing left. I wasn’t hurting anyone, but I had awoken to the reality that every moment before that day was lived for someone or something else’s betterment. Do I sound selfish? Maybe. It’s a strange feeling waking up to a new life with minimal responsibilities and no one to really answer to or for. I never asked for it. Any of it. I felt guilty. It was thrown at me like an unsuspecting freak wave, where I couldn’t catch my breath or find the surface. These moments are always wake-up calls for me: to find a greater purpose, to adapt, and to discover who I am.
The weight of guilt never really goes away, but something was different this time.
Am I still met with insecurity and fear? Sure. But there’s one phrase that has been ruminating in my mind daily for the last several weeks—Know who the f**k you are! That phrase snaps me out of any wandering my mind may do or any guilt or insecurity that may creep in. Whether I should have given in to particular situations to ‘see how it goes,’ even though my intuition warned me against it. Perhaps I should have been a bit softer, but that is usually countered with a comment of “Stop trying to mother everyone! It’s not your job.” Know why? It’s never been about me. I’ve never been the priority, so now, today, this year, my only priority is me. It feels pretty empowering if I’m being honest.
This journey gives me the confidence to make decisions that align with the exact person I am now and wish to be. Will it forever be like this, focusing solely on my needs? No. I think that would be impossible and highly unrealistic; however, I’m in the era of doing what I want, when I want, how I want, with very little care. It also helps to have my family and friends support me and encourage me, even though I know it isn’t easy for them. Want to know why? Because when you put everyone else’s well-being, their needs, feelings, thoughts, and moods above and in front of yours without the same care or consideration, it eventually wears you pretty thin. Before the unintentional reactive damage is done, the only thing left to do is take care of my needs. My family also tends to call me out when I need it most. It keeps me grounded.
Every step forward was for the little girl I once was, the one still learning how to feel safe.
You see, every time one of my bad decisions turns the corner and reminds me of what was, I nearly turn into that little girl again, afraid of the instability of toxic behaviours and being scolded for asking questions or reacting to disrespectful behaviour. So, you know who I’m doing this for? Her. That little girl, the older version of who I used to be because I owe her the life we’ve always longed for—one of peace, filled with unconditional love where we feel safe. It’s for her that I’ll be able to say with certainty, things got better. We’re okay now.
